i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
