forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize