I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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