Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
