i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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