Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
