Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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