i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
