He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
