Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
