I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
