I wannas sexs uuuuu
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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