did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
