I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
