My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize