What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Why can't burritos get me drunk
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
