Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Randomize
