My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
