Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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