turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
