it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
i now understand why vodka
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
