I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
