I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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