Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
