Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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