Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
