I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
