don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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