I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
