I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
