Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
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