She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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