Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize