I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize