I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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