I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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