I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
