her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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