what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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