Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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