never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
