Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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