Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
this just has baby written all over it
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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