sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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