Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
one might say we're banned from that church
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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