remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
