and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
