six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
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