"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
