the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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