I looked at my own cervix.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
