I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
