I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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