Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I deserve this hangover.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
