I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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