my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
